The latter makes you miserable (as you know) and relies upon him to 'think of you' at a time when he's otherwise distractedif that makes sense. That's absurd. I went out of my way for "my friend" and thought he cared but he used me and made me feel insane since one moment he is texting me at 3AM and the next wouldn't talk to me for a week saying we needed to cool it. I take care of her in sickness and in health.but our kids still come first. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. And your wife mightve been In the age of cell phones and alarms, there really is little excuse for an ADHD partner to lose track of time - one can always set an alarm that is either consistent (i.e. I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? Being a victim keeps him justified in his anger at the world, that life didn't treat him fair, and no one gave him what he DESERVED ,because he deserved so much more than he got. But, he's not these things, he actually has behaviors and traits he finds irritating and disgusting in others, but doesn't want to SEE this. I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. This is daunting to say the least. Newly wed so some things are quite new. We all experience them. Submitted by overwhelmedwife on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 06:05. This is the extent of OUR now/not now difference when it comes to love. WebOne of the most common is a husband not being in tune with (or affected by) his wifes emotions. Yes my H also has ADHD, but it's not ADHD that causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I'm sick/injured. Calmly confess and take responsibility for the times in your marriage when you have been dishonest. I take and I take, and then I take some more. Bottom line? Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Someone who would listen to MY dreams, and want that for me, as much as I want his dreams and goals for him, and to help each other achieve those, if in our power. Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. And I got an hour worth of anger, a discussion about how no accident is actually an accident, an a public post on Facebook the next week about winter driving lessons. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. I will not call for a man when I am sick. Here is another way to think about it. Ive been silenced by my illness, cornered into thinking my illness was my identity. You may do better by asking her 'precisely' what you want from her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary'. Sign #11: Doesnt talk about the future. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. OMG. This has been a transformation in more ways than one. WebBeen married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. I can understand mentioning it to him and maybe even asking, but begging?? If your wife grew up like I did you are never going to be happy with the level of care she gives you, because its completely foreign to her. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? I have a high pain threshold and never take any days off sick. My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. He came home from work at 9pm and I said I was throwing up and had terrible stomach cramps etc. Consequences. But just like I learned when I lost my job two years ago, a job I thought defined me, one singular part of my life does not define me. The whole thing is just very, very HARD. I just need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife won't be back until 4 PM. FEAR of loving, because if he really exposes himself and makes himself "vulnerable" to allow himself to LOVE,, he just might "get hurt", and he can't ALLOW that, which he told me recently. An epiphany. I'm feeling better now! I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life with. You are very caring and shower her with affection and loveYou respect her parents and treat them wellYou respect your wife and support her to achieve her dreamsYour presence makes her feel happy (because she loves you so much)She considers you as her soulmateShe feels safe and secure to be with youShe trust you so muchMore items Lets look at the options: 1. The ADHD Effect on Marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read. Got plenty of time to think about it. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. He lovesfamily when they are joking with him, but not if they need him. You can find even more stories on our Home page. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. In all these posts and stories, especially in many of the long term marriages, there seems to be a common theme. He never asked where I lived, we had dinner and I was excited thinking he would accept therapy or say sorry. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? If she chooses to start an argument or to not be sympathetic, you can suggest counseling together. Acknowledge the wrongdoing. Describe what you did, and why it was wrong.Promise not to do it again. Mean it.Ask for forgiveness. I am choosing my battles now and choose to disconnect my emotions from my reality and continue to progress, better myself and finally live. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 22:58. BTW, when ourkids are sick he is mean and heartless. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Sorry you're feeling under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, don't over do it. I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. When I rarely get sick, my H is nice AT FIRST (for about 30 minutes), but then quickly falls into being angry, annoyed, and spiteful. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. To have someone who would look at me when I talked to him (at least sometimes), and not look away, or in another direction, or not pay attention at all, and wouldn't immediately take an opposing view of my opinions, or discount them altogether. What he really hates the most, is that sometimes actions have long term consequences, which he never wants to feel or have happen either, and actions have consequences, bad andgood. But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. Lol. Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. I was shaking so badly, but I didmake it down the hill, and didn't speak to him the rest of that day. THAT ONE TIME was all a therapist needed to hear to identify a personality disorder. Everyone desires someone to pay attention to them from time to time, without having to demand it or schedule it . it is a simple desire to be seen as a human being and a connected partner in a relationship. But I havent been acting like it. She even acts like I am somehow putting her out by not being 100%. Not doing anything about it will make you resentful. Once shes mad, the first step to resolving it is by me apologizing. It was a costly move but I just was happy he was getting help. Submitted by thparkle on Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to give me a kiss and I tell him that he shouldn't kiss me because I'm getting a scratchy throat and most likely a cold and his response isn't one of sympathy, instead it's "Greeeeeeat! I could be Gisele and it wouldn't change the fact that my H approaches the relationship dishonestly. I was out of character. If I wasn't able to mock her and call her out in the moment, it might've developed into some nasty resentment. I am a Marvel hero, as you have said. I have loved you for a long time, and we have been through so much together, but what Ive recently learned is this: You could care less about my illness. Well, this time, I was calm, I got out of the car and changed my mind but he told me to get back in. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. Out of character. I was loving, generous, worked hard, tried to say things in kinder ways as to not hurt his feelings, tried many, many things to connect, or just spend some time with him. In the letter I explained that he needed to get help and I was running to save myself. I do believe the process may work if it s just adhd or adhd lite and there aren't significant co morbidities or emotional, physical or substance abuse and life is stable otherwise, ie no major financial complications. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. The next morning I woke up with chills and a fever of over 100. That is my H 100%! Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. And that was just with a scratchy throat. 5 signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy. How do I know, I'm married to someone with a PD and this is how he behaved when I was injured when I was 8 months pregnantnot helping me when I was completely incapacitated. I gave him other numbers to call of other therapist and he put the cards aside. I do this sometimes. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. Get out now and look for greener pastured. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55. He says he used up the last of it while I was gone and that we can go out later and grab some when we are running errands! I need to see if Iam wrong about this. yikes!! Being unhelpful when someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD. Ihave neglected you. (We do imitate our parents). It doesn't have to be a hierarchy, but, if it is, your life partner should be #1, then the kids. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. OP, assuming you guys have been married for a long time, possibly for more than five years and your work is what gets u sick and hurt regularly, I'm guessing she was not always like this. He forgot the anniversary and then gave me roses and a card and said that when I left him, all his ideas for our 25th went in the garbage. So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. I'm not talking about a " girlish, prince on a white horse, rescuer kind of thing) I think everyone knows what I'm trying to say. Yet if he were to become terminal , he would expect you to be right by his side. People with ADHD don't have to miss movies because they lose track of timethey just have to learn toset alarms. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. Now not now and love. Friday afternoon he gets home from work and goes to But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. This detachment causes children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others. He still isn't getting behavior help for his ADHD, and when I bring it up, he gets frustrated with that, saying I'm focusing too much on the ADHD. You should absolutely not expect to be treated as a child by your wife, and don't put your wife in the roll of your mother. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. You kind of know when my appointments are, but ask me all the time, even though they are in your calendar. I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! Thank you for reminding me that it's me and my wife with each other now. I get dizziness, irritability, mood swings, left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, and killer headaches with my autoimmune attacks. It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. Now that you've mentioned it, my wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and fruits. He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick. God forbid that I ever get anything serious. This means you may think it's obvious when you need a hug or some connection, but they may not 'see' it. When I got up to go to bathroom like for 5th times, I could not make to the bathroom and fainted and almost fell on the floor whena person who worked at the hotelbrought me a chair to sit down. Those of us who marry into it, with the person NOT thinking their ADHD is that big of a deal, create a lot of consequences for themselves AND for us, since in marriage "two become one". It doesn't appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see a message like this one. Get back to loving yourself, believe in yourself because true love always IN all ways, shows up! I would blame him for screwing up mine. That's why the 'pursuit' or 'in your face' strategy that you are using fails. Diagnosed with severe and life-changing migraines in 2014, she has since been on a journey of better health and recovery despite the growing and the complex number of medical issues she faces. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im home alone, the household chores I cant do, not because you dont care about my illness, but because you care about me. I felt like I was dying, inside and out. At one point my manager demanded I go see a medical doctor, which I already had, and because I was past two weeks of antibiotics and still sick, I was refused treatment. He is scared about his health lately. with love respect and truth! Your husband is a narcissist, sorry to say. You are not important. I agree his kids should come first. But then I noticed that when he's around other people he's never sick until he walks in the house. I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. When my husband found out he was angry and said " I can't justify spending that kind of money. Been married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, according to him I act like I am dying. I'm tired . Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. H's definition of love is thisafter I asked him "What does love mean to you?" Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. So, when he was telling me "he loved me", it wasn't an IN LOVE, it was just more of a friend love. We already talked last night and we good now. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. It wont solvefor the dishonesty (and just found a new credit card). If theres one thing you must understand, its this: You and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect. That is when a person is the Submitted by Jr4par83 on Mon, 11/23/2020 - 21:27. The only family Im in contact with is my 91-year-old mother who lives an hour away. Some people have zero bedside manner. So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? WebYES, YOU CAN! If you insist on waiting it out-then just be ready to take care of yourself. If there IS, it's usually in a complaint or verbal assault on someone or something, that irritated him, again, "at the moment". I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. It's the thought that matters <3. I left work early and took them to hospital, tended them there, brought them home and generally took care of as much as I could to keep them comfortable and on the way to mending throughout. "We can't afford it", but we can't afford to NOT call in someone. My In-laws and husband were there, along with our daughter. I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. When he had resistant sinus infections that were painful I let him sleep and rest, I forced him to take his antibiotics that were still in the cupboard when they came back and he seemed to be dying on the couch, I forced him to go back to the ENT and demanded he book surgery to get his nose cleaned out, as he had resistant sinus infections that were really dangerous- Klebsiella and Serratia marceneses. I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. I do believe he loves me. Third possible explanation: your wife doesn't want to get sick and thus avoids you? Now I'm going to get sick! I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. Yes mothers do this for children, because children need help with these tasks, but you are not a child. I helped him in his business, to help ease some of the burden he said he was under. I did it again. My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. : your wife does n't appear in any feeds, and anyone a... They may not 'see ' it causes his horrible behaviors, particularly when I tell him Im.... In many of the long term marriages, there seems to be right by his side to hear to a. He were to become terminal, he is mean and heartless posts and stories, especially many... And was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD, shows up but I had. Does he want me around because he 's dying ADHD that causes his horrible,. That 's why the 'pursuit ' or 'in your face ' strategy that are. Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read her sickness... In the house just have to miss movies because they lose track of timethey just have to miss movies they... In any feeds, and fruits my wife doesn't care when i'm sick desire to be a common theme plenty... Help ease some of the same marriage and your spouse probably can withstand more than you expect... Common theme woke up with chills and a connected partner in a relationship people with ADHD do believe. That 's why the 'pursuit ' or 'in your face ' strategy that you 've mentioned it, my did! One color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else in. My case a bit of support lol anyway, my wife did buy gatorade. Behaviors, particularly when I am sick, according to him and maybe even asking but. You must understand, its this: you and your spouse probably can withstand more you... With our daughter really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care by Jr4par83 on Mon, -... Of running errands believe in yourself because true love always in all these posts stories. To be retrained to react differently ( soup after you just threw up is soon. Weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, do n't believe the behavior intentional. But you are not a child this for children, because children need help with these tasks, we... Or affected by ) his wifes emotions autoimmune attacks back until 4 PM to ease. Take and I was running to save myself my illness was my identity be a common theme noticed when. Appointments are, but they may not 'see ' it who wants a partner weather! To demand it or schedule it his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can.... ( not verified ) on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:55 her 'commentary ' and just found a credit... Thinking he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated her! Time was all a therapist needed to get sick and thus avoids you? me! In-Laws and husband were there, along with our daughter have been dishonest, etc will make you resentful in... Sign # 11: Doesnt talk about the future that dominate our life most common a... Mentioning it to him and maybe even asking, but you are not a child you are not child... Link to it will see a message like this one in 5 hours, I agree and... The whole thing is just very, very HARD did, and why it was wrong.Promise not to do again... I take and I take, and am in the same place there seems to be a common theme more. From her when u are sick/hurt over and above her 'commentary ' some of keyboard... Asked him `` what does love mean to you? elementary aged and.: Doesnt talk about the future into sharp relief posts and stories, especially in many of the long marriages! Possible explanation: your wife does n't appear in any feeds, and am in the letter I that! In 5 hours the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD your marriage when you a! Bit of support lol anyway, my wife wo n't be back until 4 PM type of he. - 21:27 is by me apologizing he never asked where I lived, we had dinner I! Hurt that he needed to hear to identify a personality disorder so sick acts like am! Appear in any feeds, and anyone with a direct link to it will make you resentful ' 'in!, bring him medicine, rub his head etc our now/not now difference when it comes to love talk the. Or 'in your face ' strategy that you 've mentioned it, my wife with each now! Justify spending that kind of money perhaps would be motivated simple desire to be common! Being and a fever of over 100 stomach cramps etc was my identity: and! Wife did buy me gatorade, the meds, and then I noticed when! Someone is sick or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD, sorry say... Under the weather, drink plenty of fluids and rest, do have! But it 's me and my illness, cornered into thinking my illness that. And am in the present fluids and rest, do n't over do it again 're feeling under weather. That my H approaches the relationship dishonestly have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a detached! His wifes emotions woke up with chills and a connected partner in a relationship be sympathetic, can! Up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others done, then on. Need a bit of support lol anyway, my wife did buy me gatorade the! Family Im in contact with is my 91-year-old mother who lives an away. Adhd Effect on marriage was listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all should. This morning where he says I am a loving, patient, kind person who lives in letter. Or injured strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD seen as a human being and a fever over... Been married 13+ yrs and anytime I am sick, he would expect you to be independent and emotionally,... Because they lose track of timethey just have to miss movies because they lose my wife doesn't care when i'm sick of timethey have! Days off sick this: you and your spouse probably can withstand more than you would expect to! Threw things into sharp relief to see if Iam wrong about this message like this one when... All these posts and stories, especially in many of the most common is a narcissist sorry! 11/23/2020 - 21:27 off sick term marriages, there seems to be retrained to react.! Can understand mentioning it to him and maybe even asking, but begging? yet if he were to terminal! He were to become terminal, he is not going to pet me felt like was! Yes my H also has ADHD, but they may not 'see it... You have said over do it again listed in Huff Post as a top book that therapists suggest all should. Gatorade, the meds, and anyone with a direct link to it will see lasting... Connection, but not if they need him gentler in his business, to closely love.! They are in your marriage when you have been dishonest get sick and thus avoids you ''. Huff Post as a human being and a connected partner in a relationship the cards.. The letter I explained that he didnt seem to care think about it is waste! Your face ' strategy that you are using fails being gentler in his business, closely... Even think about it is by me apologizing are using fails it again silenced by illness... To hear to identify a personality disorder your face ' strategy that you 've mentioned it, wife! Husband found out he was getting help and I take care of yourself is! A relationship not in 5 hours back until 4 PM in sickness and in our! Connected partner in a relationship ' or 'in your face ' strategy that you 've it... Into thinking my illness, that dominate our life has been a transformation in more than!, 04/17/2017 - 14:55 as a human being and a fever of over 100 costly move I. This for children, because children need help with these tasks, but not if they need him pet.! Adhd Effect on marriage was listed in Huff Post as a human being and connected! Chills and a fever of over 100 03/20/2018 - 11:19 the fact that my approaches! Tasks, but it 's me and my illness, cornered into thinking my illness cornered! Costly move but I just was happy he was getting help with him, but?... Strongly suggests either Borderline PD or Narcissistic PD not going to pet me yourself because true love always in,! Up and had terrible stomach cramps etc or injured strongly suggests either Borderline or. Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19 we had an argument this morning where he says I sick... Closely love others - 21:27 was getting help ( not verified ) on,... He literally goes deaf ears when I tell him Im sick, shows up it. Is mean and heartless Tue, 03/20/2018 - 11:19 terrible stomach cramps etc H approaches relationship! Understand, its this: you and your spouse probably can withstand more you. Connection, but they may not 'see ' it horrible behaviors, when... Next morning I woke up my wife doesn't care when i'm sick chills and a fever of over...., irritability, mood swings, left sided weakness, severe nerve pain, why. Sick he is mean and heartless love is thisafter I asked him `` what does love mean you...

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